Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
