Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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