Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
tell me about the fingering
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
