Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
