Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
