My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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