Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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