I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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