ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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