if i can run in heels then i can drive
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
