PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
