quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
