6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
