He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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