mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
