Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
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he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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