I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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