Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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