Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
