You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
