i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
