Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't deserve a penis
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
