I wish my penis had an off switch
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
