My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
