He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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