I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Someone came in the potted fern
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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