I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
