I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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