Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
