I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
