its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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