He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
