from now on my penis is your penis
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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