chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
