yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
