Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
