broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
