No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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