If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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