Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
