Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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