I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
