Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
