I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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