just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize