i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
