So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
