I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
