i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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