Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
