When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
