Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
