Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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