I wish I could teleport
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
