My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
