She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
