I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
