Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize