im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
