# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
my poor anus
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
