I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
